When words hurt: The effects of perceived intentionality on interpersonal relationships

Why is it that some hurtful messages have a greater impact on relationships than others? Theorists suggest that the way people interpret another individual's negative behavior can influence how close or distant they feel from that person, as well as the emotions they experience. The first study reported in this article was conducted to examine how judgments of intent affect individuals' tendency to distance themselves from someone who hurt them and how such judgments impact people's experience of hurt. Results indicated that people who judged something an individual said to them as intentionally hurtful felt the comment had more of a distancing effect on their relationship with the individual than did those who perceived the message as unintentionally hurtful. Furthermore, those who viewed the comment as intentionally hurtful tended to be less satisfied with the relationship they had with the person who hurt them and felt less close to the person than did those who saw it as unintentional. The findings also revealed that people's perceptions of messages they saw as unintentionally hurtful varied in theoretically important ways. To follow-up on the notion that there are qualities of messages viewed as unintentionally hurtful that contribute to relational distancing and hurt feelings, a second study was conducted. Findings indicated that the perception of messages as part of an ongoing pattern of hurtful communication - as relatively frequent and as part of a general tendency to hurt others was associated with relational distancing. Also, people's tendency to feel disregarded by the individual who hurt them was linked with relational distancing and hurt feelings.